Reporter Notes for the Artisanal Vendor of the Year Contest
8:08
Just arrived at Portland Expo Center. Inaugural “Artisanal Vendor of the Year” contest starting in less than an hour. Looks like I’m the only journo here.
8:16
Trouble early on. Bouncer [upper body attire: WWII spitfire pilot; lower body attire: psychedelic troubadour] charged at me on steampunk unicycle, shouting about my clothes. “Too brand-heavy” were his exact words.
8:21
Just got escorted from venue after showing them my ACCREDITED MAINSTREAM JOURNALIST lanyard.
8:33
Spoke to event organizer. Luckily, combination of my jeans having shrunk in the wash and my self-disclosed gluten allergy worked in my favor. Looks like they’ll let me stay.
8:38
Vendors have almost finished setting up their stalls, but I can’t work out what they’re selling. Only thing I recognize here is the Coke machine.
8:48
Main judge just handed out contest rules. A little hard to read, since in a bid to recycle, they’re printed on old breakfast cereal café menus. [Must google: what’s a breakfast cereal café?] Some of the original writing still visible, so will try to decipher and copy below:
Ten of Portland’s finest artisanal vendors are registered for this event. Each contestant will present their Frosted Lucky Charms and Cortado wares to a panel of five judges from the Portland Commerce Bureau. Marks will be awarded for:
- Wordy product descriptions
- Dubious sustainability claims
- Cap’n Crunch and Cayenne Pepper Latte
- Lack of practicality
- Inflated pricing
Results will be announced at 3pm, and the winner will receive a bowl of pistachio milk a bowl of pistachio milk [turns out that wasn’t the menu—apparently contest’s awarding dairy alternatives] and a medallion carved from reclaimed wooden pallets.
9:02
Contest’s begun. Judges each start at a different stall and make their way round. Big chalkboard on wall with list of vendors. Still haven’t worked out what any of them are selling.
9:15
Followed one judge to The Inverse Ice Cream Co. stand. Looks like their speciality is waffle-cone-flavored ice cream and ice-cream-flavored waffle cones. When vendor told him price [$28 per scoop] judge nodded approvingly. Off to a strong start.
9:36
Dropped in on Phineas Vanderblatt’s Eyewear for Pets. Phineas showed off impressive range of eyeglasses for dogs and cats, but had nothing to accommodate enormous snout of judge’s pet aardvark. Settled for a wireframe pince-nez but neither judge nor aardvark look too happy. Phineas’ chances bleak.
10:17
MAJOR DRAMA! Portland Macrobiotic Haberdashery [one of the favorites going in] accused of making their famous craft cola by mixing regular Coke and cocaine. Accuser’s the tall guy from Ironic Nicotine Patches for Non-Smokers. [Need to confirm name: Spartacus? Atticus? Platypus?] He claims to have photo evidence.
12:15
Nearly two hour wait after accuser [name confirmed: Platypus] had to set up makeshift darkroom in order to develop pictures. Photos quite grainy, but no doubt about it: Portland Haberdashery staff can be seen buying several cans of Coke from vending machine and mixing with white powder. They’ve been thrown out for use of illicit substance [Coca-Cola]. With them out of the picture, contest now wide open.
12:41
Silas Skillet’s Cruelty-Free Roach Repellent has emerged as new favorite. Silas [bowler hat, crocheted eyepatch, cycling shorts] giving rousing speech about patented formula [ginseng, brioche breadcrumbs, CBD, algae]. Judges lapping it up.
13:05
Huge queue for Juniper Mae’s Holistic Animal Counselling. Seems she’s one to watch as well. Will head next door to less popular “Dr.” Copperpot’s Unlicensed Proctology Imaginarium while I wait for queue to die down a bit.
13:10
MORE DRAMA! Aardvark’s lack of species-appropriate eyewear caused it to stumble into Silas Skillet’s stall and ingest copious amounts of cruelty-free roach repellent. Silas disqualified. Aardvark going feral.
13:15
Juniper Mae now attempting to holistically counsel the beast.
14:16
Long pause to scrub Juniper Mae’s blood and hair clumps from convention center floor. Just seven competitors still standing.
14:31
Judges have finished doing the rounds. They’re leaving main hall to confer with each other. Palpable tension in the venue, with plenty of nervous waxed moustache twisting. “Dr.” Copperpot not looking too happy—his Proctology Imaginarium was a surprise flop. General consensus is that it’s a three-horse race between The Inverse Ice Cream Co., Breadless Sandwich League and Mr. Mysterio’s Non-Exploitative Flea Circus.
14:41
Judges still deliberating. Looks like we’re about to enjoy musical interlude from the Pumpernickel Bluegrass Mime Troupe while we wait for results.
15:03
Judges have returned. Main judge [who’s changed into formal shirt and tie, but both on backwards] ready to announce final results. Will try to transcribe:
On behalf of the committee, I’d like to say what an honor it has been to preside over the first ever Artisanal Vendor of the Year contest. Thanks to your tireless efforts, the day has been more verbose, more self-righteous, more eye-wateringly expensive than anyone could have hoped. You have truly put both the ‘art’ and the ‘is anal’ in ‘artisanal’.
Unfortunately, after much deliberation, the committee has deemed that your participation in this officially-sanctioned contest renders you too mainstream to be eligible for any award. As a result, we’re left with no choice but to disqualify you all.
Since there is only one vendor in the Portland Expo Center who did not participate in the contest, they will be declared the winner by default.
15:09
Award ceremony underway. Medallion ribbon not long enough to fit all the way round Coke machine, but bowl of pistachio milk resting on top looks handsome as hell.
Ben Daggers
Ben Daggers is a short story writer who loves exploring the dark edges of fiction, then slowly backing away before things get a bit too dark.
When not writing, procrastinating, or feeling guilty for procrastinating instead of writing, Ben spends his time doting over an emotionally-needy Italian greyhound.
More!
